Developing Healthy Self-Acceptance despite ADHD

image by JerzyGórecki at pixabay.com

One of the most common issues individuals with ADHD face is difficulty accepting themselves.   This is something that frequently comes up in talk therapy with my clients. They often discuss having a sense that if only they could get more done, or start big projects sooner, or remember things better, they would be ok.  And because they can’t do those things, they don’t feel like they deserve to be treated well.

This is a very powerful perspective to have; individuals with ADHD often have difficulties working as long as other people, starting non-preferred tasks early, remembering people’s names, sustaining concentration in classes or at meetings or even in regular conversations with friends.  They often have a much harder time with becoming distracted in front of screens or remembering things they need to do.

In our culture, we often treat mental illness as if it were a personality flaw.  As if someone with ADHD would not have their ADHD symptoms if they just buckled down and tried hard.

That is not how it works.

If someone had diabetes and they just concentrated hard enough, could they eat a bowl of ice cream and not go into diabetic shock?

If someone were color blind and they just really focused, couldn’t they tell the difference between green and blue?

Of course not. 

Because the problem with diabetes is in how our body processes sugar, not in how much we concentrate. And because the problem with color blindness has to do with the cells in the back of our eyes, not how hard we focus.

This is the same with ADHD.

People with ADHD have a very, very, vary hard time with certain tasks.  And that’s ok.

Having diabetes does not make someone bad.

Neither does being color blind.

And neither does having ADHD.

It’s ok to have ADHD.

Many people with ADHD, especially those who are diagnosed as teenagers or adults, grew up in homes where people have told them they need to work harder to stop goofing around.  They received the message that their difficulties with sustaining effort were due to poor choices, not because their brain has a hard time performing specific tasks.

Several blog posts ago, I discussed the book "Good Inside" by Dr. Becky Kennedy, a fantastic book about parenting.

One of Dr. Kennedy’s key points is that even when parents don’t do something perfectly, they are still good parents.  Even when a child yells at their sister, they are still a good kid.

To borrow from this approach, someone with ADHD may struggle to remember the name of someone they have just met, yet they are still a good person.  They can forget to pack their toothbrush for the 500th time when they travel, and they are still a good person.  They may need to take breaks every 10 minutes when they are working or need to use reminders on their phone to pick up the groceries after work and still be good people.

ADHD is an invisible disability.  People are not bad for having ADHD any more than they are bad for having asthma.  We may have received messages from loved ones and care takers and friends and teachers and grandparents and other figures growing up. We may have internalized those messages. That is a normal process. Human beings are social creatures, and we take in what other people say about us, especially when we are young, and especially when the people who say those things are our caretakers.  Taking in what those people tell us helps us understand how the world works.

But sometimes the messages we receive from the world when we are young are wrong.  As we get older, we develop the capacity to choose for ourselves which messages are helpful and which ones are not. It isn’t a simple or easy process. It can take time, and getting help from a good talk therapist or someone else who understands this process can be very, very helpful.  But our brains have an amazing capacity to learn and grow and change until the moment we die.  Just because we have a hard time seeing ourselves as good enough at one point in our lives does not mean that we are stuck living like that forever.

You are good enough.

That does not mean that you are perfect.  It means you do not need to be anything else to be worthy of respect and care and compassion from others.

Other people may not provide you with that respect and care and compassion, but that is a reflection of them and how they are in the world, not a reflection of what you deserve.

You deserve to be treated with care and compassion, even if you have ADHD.  Even if you can’t remember someone’s name or birthday or pay attention for the entire meeting or just sit at your desk and do your work until everything is finished.  It would be great if you could do that.

My clients have heard me say it would be great if I was as charming as Dwayne Johnson.  I would love that.

I am not as charming as Dwayne Johnson.

But that’s ok.  The world already has one Dwayne Johnson.  It doesn’t need a second one.

Your job is to be the best you that you can be.  That doesn’t mean you need to be perfect.  It means be you.  All people are good at some things, medium at some things, and bad at some things. 

Yes, life would be much easier if you didn’t have ADHD.  No question.

But right now, there is no cure for ADHD.  We just have to accept the cards we were dealt and do the best with what we have.

ADHD does not mean you are bad.  It means you have ADHD.  And that’s ok.  ADHD is only one part of who you are and does not change the fact that are a human being. You can have ADHD and be a great person.  Having ADHD doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be treated with care and compassion.  You deserve that by virtue of being a human being.  That’s it. 

Something to think about.  

David Nathan, MBA, PsyD, LP
I offer ADHD and ASD testing in St. Paul, MN. I would love to help you or a loved one if you are seeking an ADHD or ASD evaluation. For more information, please call me at (651) 337-3944 or fill out my contact form.

Disclaimer:

This site is for information only. It is not therapy. This blog is only for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered therapy or any form of treatment. We are not able to respond to specific questions or comments about personal situations, appropriate diagnosis or treatment, or otherwise provide any clinical opinions. If you think you need immediate assistance, call your local emergency number or the mental health crisis hotline listed in your local phone book. Use of this blog establishes your consent to the provisions of this disclaimer.