The ADHD/Shame Connection
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We, as a culture, should discuss shame more.
One of the most important concepts I discuss with clients is shame. Shame is one of the most powerful human emotions and it is excruciating. Experiencing shame is like hanging over the edge of a cliff by our fingertips. We will do just about anything that will get us back to safety in the moment, even if it causes ourselves or other people significant problems in the future. What does this have to do with ADHD? Stick around. I’ll get there.
I should be clear what I mean by shame. In psychology, shame is a deeply set and intelsely felt sense that “I am a bad person.” It is a set view of oneself; it is inescapable. It makes people feel less than other people, disconnected from the rest of humanity and undeserving of love, support, or friendship from others.
We can contrast shame with guilt, which is a sense that “I did something wrong.” If someone parks in a marked accessible parking spot when they go to the grocery store and gets back to their car and thinks, “Hey, I didn’t need to park here. I shouldn’t have taken this spot,” this is an example of guilt. Guilt helps us act within the rules we think its important for us to follow. Guilt helps us be the kind of person we feel we should be.
Contrasting with shame, guilt is temporary; it is about an action we took, not who we are. In psychological terms, guilt is healthy. It leads us to do things we feel proud of and makes it more likely that we will lead a fulfilling life. Psychologists see shame as unhealthy. Shame says ‘I may do good things sometimes, but I am a fundamentally bad person.’ This is not helpful. This mindset makes it harder for someone to lead a life that is fulfilling. It is also a very painful way to live.
The way this ties into ADHD is that often, individuals with ADHD have a hard time doing non-preferred activities, like homework, chores, and other tasks. They do work for a while, and then they get tired. They get distracted. They just can’t stick with it. They see other people, classmates, coworkers, friends and family who do not have these problems. They begin to think ‘there is something wrong with me.’ ‘why can’t I just be like everyone else?’ ‘I’m just a bad person,’ etc.
At this point in my career, I am pretty sure there is a syndrome that shows up once someone is 14 or 15 years old and has ADHD but has not been diagnosed yet, and that syndrome includes feelings of shame brought on by those ADHD symptoms. In our culture, being a hard worker, being able to push yourself to complete a task no matter how boring or difficult, is seen as a virtue. Stopping before it is done, or worse, stopping before other people do, means you are lazy. Or a wimp. Or spoiled. Basically, you are making choices to not be a good person. That’s not a helpful way of looking at things, but it is out there.
A person hears enough of those judgmental, simplistic, cruel messages they start believing that about themselves. And thus, people in our culture with ADHD are much more likely to experience shame than people who do not have ADHD.
It is hard to push back against set views of ourselves. But the good news is that anything that a person can learn, we can unlearn. The healthy way to look at ourselves is that we are really good at some things, medium at some things, and not so good at somethings, and that’s ok. We don’t need to be perfect. We just need to give it our best shot. We are a good person. If someone can think this about themselves and feel like they agree with it, they are in good shape. If they read those words or think similar ideas to themselves and don’t feel this describes them, especially if this is something they have a hard time doing often, I would wonder if they are experiencing shame.
Earlier in my career, I had a kind and wonderful teacher, Dr. Mary Boehlke. Dr.Boehlke often said “you can navigate by the north star, but you can’t live on it.” We don’t always feel like we are good people. It would be unrealistic to think we are always going to accept ourselves. But if someone notices they cannot feel proud of themselves most of the time, I would say that’s important information. No matter what direction we are going in, it’s helpful to know which way is north. Individuals with and without ADHD often have deep feelings of shame. They may also feel ashamed of having feelings of shame.
The good news is that there are many ways to treat this. If you or a loved on have feelings of shame, I would recommend that you talk to a mental health care professional trained in treating feelings of shame. It is entirely possible that as work is doing, someone can find out that they have ADHD or other undiagnosed issues that contribute to the problems they are having.
I have had the opportunity to discuss testing results with so many people in my career. Some of the most powerful moments were when I told them that the tests made it clear that had ADHD. Some people just cry. They thought they were stupid or lazy or “bad.” They weren’t and they aren’t. They just have a disability. One that can be treated.
ADHD isn’t the only condition that makes it more likely that someone experiences shame. Shame does not need to be endured. It is extremely painful to live with. If you or a loved one experience shame, please seek assistance. There are other, better, more comfortable ways to live in the world. No one deserves to live with shame.
David Nathan, MBA, PsyD, LP
I offer ADHD and ASD testing in St. Paul, MN. I would love to help you or a loved one if you are seeking an ADHD or ASD evaluation. For more information, please call me at (651) 337-3944 or fill out my contact form.
Disclaimer:
This site is for information only. It is not therapy. This blog is only for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered therapy or any form of treatment. We are not able to respond to specific questions or comments about personal situations, appropriate diagnosis or treatment, or otherwise provide any clinical opinions. If you think you need immediate assistance, call your local emergency number or the mental health crisis hotline listed in your local phone book. Use of this blog establishes your consent to the provisions of this disclaimer.
