fundamental things, 2025
In this last blog entry of 2025, I wanted to discuss a few fundamental ideas that have impacted my practice of psychology this year.
There is no one key to obtaining happiness.
Human beings are an amazing combination of alike and different. I have had the opportunity to work with clients and patients from so many different backgrounds; poor, middle class and wealthy; people from many different countries; people who are very talented; very physically attractive; people who are famous; people who have very exciting jobs and careers; people with very glamorous lives; retired and active duty members of the US military, some with very advanced training; criminals, some retired and some still actively living outside of the law; people who have gone very far in their careers and have very impressive professional reputations; people who have very close and loving families and large groups of good friends.
And none of these specific things protects people from becoming unhappy. I have worked with people from all of these backgrounds and more, and have seen people dealing with deep and profound difficulties. It has taught me that while all of these things are appealing, having them does not make people significantly happier, more confident, or more insulated from the difficulties of lif
This is not to say that goals are not worth working for. But it does mean that we should be realistic about what we will get when we have them. It is so easy to believe that if we get that job or buy that house or get that one more thing, our problems will be gone. Life is full of difficulties. A wise goal is to learn ways to deal with those problems in productive ways. Having a great deal of income or a prestigious job or a large social circle or being highly skilled in a few areas of life absolutely gives us options and can make some aspects of life more enjoyable, but those qualities don’t solve everything. Life has ways of throwing problems at us we did not anticipate. No one is good at everything or has the skills or resources to take care of anything. All of us face struggles. Having struggles does not mean we are bad. It means we are human.
So many people are so incredibly lonely, and this impacts our society
Having people in your life that you can connect with and enjoy and support and who support you is a major source of self-esteem. Human beings are social creatures. One of the best ways for us to feel good about ourselves is to have people who offer us genuine compliments and support. As our social networks break down and shrink, we are receiving less and less support from others. As a result, many more people are suffering from difficulties with self-esteem. Lower self-esteem means people have less mental energy, are not as productive at work, do less to take care of themselves, and are less available to connect with other people. I often tell parents that taking care of themselves IS taking care of their children (which is true!) I would add that taking care of your relationships and building strong relationships with others is a way to take care of your community and make your community stronger.
Our culture is very focused on surface things
Surface things include things like appearance, income level, stuff we own, vacations we take, etc. And surface in and of itself isn’t bad. I like ice cream sundaes. But we need a combination of surface and deep to have a healthy life. We need to take the time to read good books and cook food and clean the house and exercise and listen to other people and learn new skills as well as watch Netflix. Working on deep is an investment in yourself, and in your community. Even if this isn’t the focus of our culture, we are much better having a balanced life than one focused on the things our culture seems to emphasize.
We cannot always live up to our ideals, and that’s ok
So many situations in life involve making choices, where all options have pros and cons. We want to make the earth cleaner but we can’t afford the plug in hybrid car. We want to eat healthy but there is a McDonalds at the next exit and we haven’t eaten in hours. We want to go to that event or hang out with our friends but we haven’t had an evening to recharge in a week.
One of my wonderful mentors, Dr. Mary Boehlke, used to say “we can’t live on the north star, but we can navigate by it. The best parents are not warm and supportive in every interaction with their children. But if they are warm and supportive in the majority of the interactions with their children, their children are likely to grow up to be well adjusted. No one is perfect. The best people try to do their best, and that’s the most we can hope for
Most people are fundamental good
There are absolutely sociopaths out there, people who enjoy harming other people. The vast majority of people are not like that. People who are sociopaths need to be avoided, and if they cannot be avoided, we need to take steps to protect ourselves when we interact with them. There are also people who have lost their way, those that have endured a great deal of personal suffering and have become jaded and/or have developed addictions and/or people who have lost hope. If we interact with these people as peers, they are not especially dangerous to us. (if they are in positions of authority, we can be in danger.)
But most people are good, in that when they are not under threat or in danger, they will help out other people, even strangers. Most people want to see other people do well and will be supportive. Even people who seem very different from us tend to be kind of we are kind to them. We shouldn’t be automatically scared of other people. Start with being polite, and see how they react. Most people will be polite.
Never stop learning
Read books, talk to people who know more than you do about things, be open. This contributes to growth, which contributes to happiness. Get out there. Do things. Add wrinkles to your brain. You will be better off for it.
David Nathan, MBA, PsyD, LP
I offer ADHD and ASD testing in St. Paul, MN. I would love to help you or a loved one if you are seeking an ADHD or ASD evaluation. For more information, please call me at (651) 337-3944 or fill out my contact form.
Disclaimer:
This site is for information only. It is not therapy. This blog is only for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered therapy or any form of treatment. We are not able to respond to specific questions or comments about personal situations, appropriate diagnosis or treatment, or otherwise provide any clinical opinions. If you think you need immediate assistance, call your local emergency number or the mental health crisis hotline listed in your local phone book. Use of this blog establishes your consent to the provisions of this disclaimer.
