Its Ok To Need Help
image by ChatGPT
I was on the phone with a good friend recently who is going through some very difficult times.
“I wish you didn’t know this… I’m worried about what you think of me,” they said.
As a psychologist, I probably spend 80% of my time at work talking to people about things that are pretty difficult, sometimes terrible, sometimes horrible, in their lives. Some friends invited my family and me to a pool party last Friday, and it was wonderful. I didn’t know most of the people there, but everyone was very polite and friendly. Our kids swam for nearly four hours straight, and we ate hot dogs and brats and burgers and chips and guac and pasta salad, and it was wonderful. It is so enjoyable to see people being kind and friendly with each other, keeping an eye on each other’s kids, and complimenting each other on our success. Wishing each other luck on our new efforts. I wish life were like this all the time. I wish everyone who worked hard had enough money to pay their bills and live a good life. I wish everyone friendly to their friends, family, classmates, coworkers, and neighbors would be treated nicely in return.
But we don’t live in that world all the time.
When I was in college, I read Aristotle’s work, Poetics, in which he said the ancient Greeks defined comedy as when something really good happens to someone who really doesn’t deserve it. By this definition, I think Aristotle would consider the movie Dumb and Dumber was high comedy.
On the flip side, Aristotle said that tragedy occurs when something really horrible happens to someone who also really doesn’t deserve it. If we live long enough, we will experience profound tragedies. Too often in life, people make decisions or are affected by others' decisions that result in consequences far worse than we could ever have expected or deserved.
And that is a reality.
I am often asked by people who know others in trouble, “What can I do?” The most accurate answer to this question is that even though we can’t always fix things for other people, we can always be supportive, listen to them, and let them know we are there for them.
I think the heart, the core of mental health care is being that supportive ear and that open heart to people who are suffering. Yes, there are many effective techniques available, such as psychodynamic therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and narrative therapy. But if a therapist cannot be supportive and make a client feel heard, memorizing all the books and acing all the subject-matter assessments will not make that provider a helpful therapist.
One of the most powerful scenes in film, I think, is near the end of the movie Toy Story 3. Without spoilers, the main characters, Woody, Buzz, Jesse, Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head, and the rest are in very big trouble, and it looks like this is it. And they do the best thing they can; they join hands. They are in this together.
Luckily, they get out of the situation in perhaps the best example of deus ex machina this side of Plato’s Academy.
Human beings are social creatures. We need each other. If you are in trouble, reach out to people who you trust. Talk to a therapist. Talk to a religious leader. Freud said that suffering alone is one of the worst experiences in the human condition. (I’m going to write a little about Freud at some point; he was very sexist, no question; he was also a genius and a keen observer of the human condition. The fact that he was sexist does not mean he was any less insightful when he was insightful; the fact that he was very insightful in many cases does not mean it is ok that he was sexist.) I think Freud was right about that.
When I was a child, I heard a story about heaven in which everyone sat at tables full of delicious food, with long spoons tied to their arms, so long that they could bring the food right in front of them to their mouths. In heaven, people fed the person across the table from them, and the person across the table from them fed them in return. In the story, hell was identical, with people sitting at tables full of delicious food and who had long spoons tied to their arms. The difference was that, in hell, people were not feeding the person across the table, and we were sitting alone, starving, in the presence of abundance. That’s a powerful metaphor.
One of the greatest gifts human beings have is the ability to listen to and support one another in times of hardship. Yes, it is true that we risk taking care of other people so much that we neglect ourselves and burn out, and we need to be very careful not to do this. But being there lessens another person’s load. I cannot count how many times I have had a client come into a session and tell me how awful they feel, and after an hour, tell me they feel much better. I didn’t give them a check to pay for an expense, get them a new job, or help them or a loved one heal from an injury or illness. I was just able to be a supportive, attentive ear.
And it is also true that there are wonderful times in life; people you just met invite you to a pool party, and you get to meet more delightful people. This happens in life too. It’s important to remember there are wonderful parts of being alive when we are dealing with pain and discouragement.
I think most people are self-centered, but I also think most will help out if they can. During difficult times, we both need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and reach out for support from others. You deserve assistance. It takes courage to ask for help. It’s ok to ask for help. Be thoughtful about who you ask for help, because some people will make things worse. But it’s ok to reach out to close friends and relatives. It’s ok to talk to spiritual leaders and mental health professionals.
We are all in bad situations sometimes. Anyone who would judge someone badly for having difficulties is deeply immature, naïve, not mentally healthy, or a combination of these. Having difficulties is part of being human. And it’s ok to ask for support.
David Nathan, MBA, PsyD, LP
I offer ADHD and ASD testing in St. Paul, MN. I would love to help you or a loved one if you are seeking an ADHD or ASD evaluation. For more information, please call me at (651) 337-3944 or fill out my contact form.
Disclaimer:
This site is for information only. It is not therapy. This blog is only for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered therapy or any form of treatment. We are not able to respond to specific questions or comments about personal situations, appropriate diagnosis or treatment, or otherwise provide any clinical opinions. If you think you need immediate assistance, call your local emergency number or the mental health crisis hotline listed in your local phone book. Use of this blog establishes your consent to the provisions of this disclaimer.
