Why don’t People Listen to Me when I have ADHD or ASD?
image by ChatGPT
One of the most common issues my clients discuss with me is frustration that others don’t seem to listen to them. They talk about how common it is for them to make suggestions to their friends, but their friends seem to ignore them. And even more frustrating, when someone else makes the exact same suggestion, the group accepts it. What is going on here? Why does this happen?
There can be lots of reasons for this. Possible explanations include social status within a group, the need for some ideas to percolate in people’s minds before they are ready to agree, and the fact that some people are very socially skilled and others tend to agree with them. And these reasons can help explain why other people seem to be listened to more.
But there is a specific reason that is common to individuals with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD).
And that is slower processing speed.
Part of the core diagnostic criteria for ADHD is that a person has significantly slower processing speed than their ability to process verbal, visual-spatial, or logical information. This is not the case for everyone who has ADHD, but it is the case for the vast majority. (It is also true that the vast majority of people with ADHD also have significantly less ability to remember minor facts, such as phone numbers, people’s names, what they needed to get at the grocery store, etc.,) that then do with verbal, visual-spatial processing, and logical problem-solving ability. It is also common for individuals with ASD to have slower processing speed than other areas of cognition as well, although this is not a requirement for a diagnosis of ASD.
Processing speed impacts nearly everything we do. Someone with high verbal processing can use and understand bigger words and more complex sentences than peers with lower verbal processing ability. Individuals with higher visual/spatial processing tend to notice more visual details in their environment and have better hand/eye coordination than those with lower levels. People with higher logic-processing ability tend to understand cause-and-effect problems and use step-by-step reasoning without being influenced by emotions or guesses as much as those with lower ability.
But people with higher processing speed will be able to do all of these things faster.
In our culture, we (often to our detriment) tend to go for fast answers rather than well-thought-out ones. We tend to associate people who can come up with plausible-sounding answers quickly as being better experts than people who have a better understanding of the subject but are not as fast to respond. We often associate fast responses with expertise and confidence, but in reality, whether someone can respond quickly or not has nothing to do with whether what they say is accurate or a good idea.
And the converse is true too. In our culture (again, usually to our detriment), we often associate slower responses with lower confidence, the idea that they are less sound, and with the speaker having less mastery of the subject they are discussing.
And that’s a cognitive bias that we are wise to recognize and address.
In the meantime, it means that people who respond more slowly in general are often taken less seriously in groups, especially in groups where people do not know us well. And we tend to be in groups like this at work and at school.
If you feel frustrated when friends or family don't listen to you, you should discuss it with them. Most of the time, people don’t even realize they are discounting what a friend says or that there is a pattern in how they don’t go along with an idea when one person says it but do when another person says the same thing. It is amazing how people can be unaware of their own behavior patterns, even when they are completely obvious to others. Other tips to get people to listen to you include:
Speak with confidence. This includes having confident body language. The more confident you look and sound, the more seriously people tend to take your suggestions.
Be brief and stick to the specific topic/suggestion you have. Being short and te to the point makes it easy for other people to understand your ideas.
Build on what other people have said. Agreeing with other people in the group and connecting your suggestion to concerns/ideas already stated makes it easier for other people to connect and agree with you.
Build your relationships with other people in the group. There is no question we tend to go along with our friends much more than we do with strangers or people we outright don’t like. We tend to go along with our friends’ ideas even when they are not especially good, because it feels good to support people we are closely connected to.
It is incredibly frustrating to not be heard. But just because someone has a slower processing speed doesn’t mean they have to accept being ignored. Consider what issues may be impacting you and work out a plan to address it. I always recommend talking to friends, family, and/or a therapist to help working on issues related to social skills, self-confidence, and other issues related to the lived experience of ADHD and ASD.
David Nathan, MBA, PsyD, LP
I offer ADHD and ASD testing in St. Paul, MN. I would love to help you or a loved one if you are seeking an ADHD or ASD evaluation. For more information, please call me at (651) 337-3944 or fill out my contact form.
Disclaimer:
This site is for information only. It is not therapy. This blog is only for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered therapy or any form of treatment. We are not able to respond to specific questions or comments about personal situations, appropriate diagnosis or treatment, or otherwise provide any clinical opinions. If you think you need immediate assistance, call your local emergency number or the mental health crisis hotline listed in your local phone book. Use of this blog establishes your consent to the provisions of this disclaimer.
